Everything is a Spectrum

There's an old joke My computer-literate family would tell: there are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't. For Me, binary should only exist in programming. If you ask Me a question, My response is almost inevitably "That depends" What's your favorite flower? That depends. Do you prefer male or female? That depends. What's you favorite color? That depends. What's your favorite/preferred kink? That depends! There are SO many variables in the human existence that for Me, to choose just one ineffable answer is not even close to possible.

I love the phrase "Binary works for computers but nothing else" The world is not binary. Not in any sense of the word. Long-held "opposites" are really not that opposite. Light vs dark. Boy vs girl. Even white vs blue is questionable! A few years back the internet broke with "the Dress" which clearly showed that we all see things just a little differently than others.

I've long claimed that gender identity is fluid and non-binary. Simply by accepting fluidity, one must subscribe to the nonbinary spectrum. I self-identify on the Femme end of the spectrum, but I freely slide up and down that scale towards "gender indifference" on some days, while ultra-femme on others. Think of it like the transition from dark to light. There's a whole lot of levels of light that we still call "light", and a whole lot of levels of dark. Not to mention the twilight hours in between! At what point does one say "ok, that's it. It is now light." Even now, as I sit on my laptop in a semi-lit room, every person coming in here would have a different opinion of whether it was dark or light in here. And that's ok! It doesn't matter how we perceive it, it only matters that we accept that others perceive it differently.

With the Great Pandemic raging its way through everybody's lives, the concept of socialized gender vs embracing the spectrum has grown even stronger. People who only presented a certain way because of the social situations they were in are now suddenly, after spending time alone, realizing who they *are* vs who they were told they *should be*.

I recently met someone who claimed that "Ds is a spectrum". My immediate reaction, being the Alpha Domme that I am, was that no, you are or you aren't. You are D or you are s. If you switch, then that is acceptable, but the roles are binary.

And then I thought. Why would a Ds world be any more binary than the rest of the world? The spectrum is everywhere, why would it not also be in Ds?

While "Top" vs "bottom" may be clearly defined as "The one who does" and "the one to whom it is done", the actual control of the situation is totally fluid. The term "service top" is a thing, after all. Even as a Domme, there are varying degrees of "Domminess" in different situations, and also with different people! Every scene has nuances, which is why it is so hard to teach "how to Domme".

Everything is a little bit of something else!

Expanding even more on that, I recently saw an article defining Daddies and little girls. It stated that first and foremost, Daddies are Doms. This is so not true! Daddies (and Mommies) are caregivers. The caregiver style determines whether they are daddy or mommy. No, Daddy is not a gendered role, it is a style of play. Daddy is strict. Daddy spanks you. Daddy has that strong, firm hand that you crave to feel on your bare ass. Mommy is nurturing. Mommy encourages you, but also makes you practice things (like counting!) Sometimes the "lessons" are painful, but mommy always says "good job". Neither is clearly "Dom/me" or "sub" and both can give pain and comfort in varying degrees.

Regardless of your own personal definition of your role, your self, or your world, recognize that it is just that: your definition. Others will see and experience their journey in their own way. So stay kinky, and be your authentic self!

Minimal Office


Miss Kelicious is an author, lifestyle Domina, Professional Dominatrix and relationship/life coach currently located in Calgary, Alberta. Polyamorous, kinky and queer, Miss K is an author, educator and facilitator.

Her kink skills have been honed across North America through workshops, Mentorships and personal training by many well-known Dominatrices and Masters. She seeks excellence in all She does, and favors the edgier side of play.

Born poly, it took a few relationships to tease out society's training of who you "should be" to arrive at who She Is. Skills learned at the feet of masters in Energy Healing, therapists, educators and communication specialists, if you open yourself to Her, you will succeed.

Identifying as Non-Binary Femme, pronouns are She/Her or They/Them.